One year on……..
I hit the ground at the start of 2019 quite literally, by falling over a frozen lump of dog wee whilst on holiday in Italy, it all happened in slow motion although the yellow frozen snow coming towards me seem to gain momentum as it took all my strength to prevent my face ending up in it. I can laugh about it now, but at the time, the shock of falling over and the pain from hitting the ice caused my body to instantly tremble. TRE kicked in, and my body’s natural coping mechanism allowed me to cope with the incident relatively smoothly. It happened just outside the hotel door and I knew I was going to cry so somehow my husband picked me up off the floor after saying “ what are you doing down there darling?” which lightened the moment somewhat whilst I hobbled through to reception got in the lift and once safely inside our room the tears fell hot and fast. However, within an hour I began to feel better. It was hard to believe that a couple of days prior I had snow shoed to the top of a mountain!
Being diagnosed and living with Fibromyalgia I can liken to grief, losing a part of me, the old life that died, leaving me to cope with what was left. A body engulfed by pain, that wanted to go on adventures. A mind that wanted to think straight, instead of being clouded by fog. A spirit that wanted to be free, rather than held back by illness. It was an existence; not the life I yearned for. Getting out of bed each day took so much energy and will power; it would have been so much easier just to give in and stay there.
The depression was the hardest part for me, the isolation that I felt of not being heard or even believed. I looked well, but nobody could feel my pain. Nobody could experience what it felt like to just try to exist from one day to the next, with no end or cure in sight. They were very dark days, the stigma that I thought came from talking about my mental health meant that I didn’t want anyone to know. I was lucky, I was able to get help and was given hope that I would be able to start to claw my way out of the hell hole I had found myself in. That was 6 years ago………..
Since then, I have spent time searching for something that I don’t think I will ever find, even if it exists, I’m not sure what ‘It’ is exactly, I thought I was looking for my tribe, the one I thought I needed to feel that I fit into. I thought it was the ideal life, I thought I wanted. I thought it was being the person, I thought everyone wanted me to be. I thought it was saying things, I thought everyone wanted to hear. I thought it was filling my life with things, that I thought I should be filling my life with.
Whilst on my healing journey I am meeting people that our paths are crossing maybe just once or many times and each time we meet I know there is something for me to learn from the experience. I have come to realise that I have all the things that I need in my life, right here at this moment. Anything that no longer serves me, I feel gratitude towards and can start letting go of it. This has not been easy, but it has taught me some very valuable lessons, it is easier to move forward without the energy of things I no longer need, holding me back. I have spent so much of my life trying to be someone, that I almost lost sight of who I really am.
I hug trees, wear my heart on my sleeve and explore alternative healing techniques. I may be outspoken at times, but I believe to always speak my truth. If you show true friendship to me, I will be loyal and honest with you. If you hurt me, those cuts run deep and I strongly believe in Karma. I do not need to belong to a tribe, I am walking along my own path with my spirit of adventure and my soul shining brightly, leading the way.
I have a chronic pain condition that sometimes makes life challenging for me, and I may need to change my plans at the last minute. I am however; doing what makes me happy, so spending time with friends and family who enrich my life, dancing an hour away at Zumba, birdwatching, sound baths, drum circles, shamanic journeying, dowsing my way across the moorland, climbing mountains and laughing at myself when falling over frozen mounds of dog wee! This is food for my soul, making my heart sing and bringing great joy to my spirit.
I feel truly blessed to be, who I am.
Wishing you love and happiness in 2020 xxx