It feels strange, I have a sense of panic that maybe I did not do all the things I thought I would do during lockdown. There is a bit of guilt there, that maybe I wasted an opportunity.
‘Time will pass, this way but once’ have I missed it; is it too late; a state of panic.
I am not sure if I want to go back to the old normal; what is the new normal? what is normal?
I feel that I have been an observer, watching this whole global pandemic unfold, it is almost like I have been in a dream state, working out what is real and what is not.
What I have done, is given myself time to heal, I have a real sense that I have been in a calm state of mind that has not been mediating in a crossed legged position trying to be like Yoda.
I have been gently observing life, watching as she has unfolded through nature, the nesting birds rearing their young, the out of date seeds that I planted now coming into flower. The quietness of the planet, the beauty of the dawn chorus, the gentle sound of the sea.
I have taken countless photos of sunrises and sunsets. I guess that they have been something regular in my life, a daily routine of which I have no control, other than to not be awake or willing to observe them.
The guilt I felt, of not going out for my once daily exercise has lifted and I find there are a few days in a row that I may choose not to go out for a walk. Yes, that is ok, I am listening to my body, allowing myself to nurture me.
I have spent this time during Lockdown unconsciously inwardly observing; who I am; where I want to be. I have noticed with this sense of calm. I am presently living without pain. Stress and pain for me go hand in hand.
My body rhythm has altered, I arise with the sun and despite the lack of sleep hours, I feel more rested than I have done in years. The hours that I do sleep seem more nourishing and I do not feel the need for an afternoon nap.
What has changed since we started to come out of lockdown; I have become annoyed at the inconsiderate small minority of folk who ignore social distancing and charge straight towards me. The loud traffic noise that is drowning out the bird song and sound of the sea. The confusion around the changing guidelines, the blatant few who choose to do their own thing and ignore all of this.
All of these I have little or no control over, but it is how I choose to react to them that matters. I have learnt to dodge the few who come at me oblivious to the world around them; for I do not know what is going on for them.
The traffic is quiet in the early morning at sunrise, so I relish this moment to savor
the dawn of a new day.
As for the guidelines, I allow others to do what they feel is right for them. I would not wish to be putting those I care about at risk, because I want to give them a hug, the hug maybe more for me, than for them.
When I experience change of any kind, it is my relationship with it that evolves, with change comes loss of something, even when that change is positive. It is a loss of the old and maybe a small amount of fear of the future and of that change. With that loss comes grief, which is inevitable.
How I deal with grief is to understand and deal with the emotions that I am experiencing and find a way to move forward. It need not be a negative experience; it can be viewed as a gift where I am able to take something positive and appreciative how it enriches my life.
Last year I attended a funeral, during the service we were offered a question to consider, ‘What are you going to do, to change things in your own world, to make this life matter?’
I decided that in order to make changes in my life, I needed to concentrate on the positive aspects and despite living with a diagnosis and constant battle with pain, I knew I did not want my world to continue that way. I chose to eliminate dairy and gluten from my diet, it was a big one for me, I love cheese and I love bread.
Life was challenging for a time, but now I can see the benefits. The benefits outweigh the loss, to live without pain for the last 8 months is incredible. I have more energy, feel amazing and I often get complimented on how well I look.
However, there is also some sadness that I no longer have the pain: having lived with it so long, losing it left me feeling a bit empty, a weird void, my pain had defined me and I needed to search for a new identity.
Lockdown as given the opportunity to do just that and all the change that has been brought about, has given me time to think and focus on what is important to me, my connection to myself and those around me. I have a clear direction of where I am heading, taking my business forward with me, feeling excited about the future.
We are all unique, so our own changes will be individual, only we will know if the things we change in our own world, will make this life matter. I know the changes I have made over the past few months really matter to me; they are not necessarily going to impact globally. The way I have acknowledged my looking inwards without realising; bringing a sense of calm to my world, is what has kept me going through lockdown.
If you feel a sense of loss, struggling to make sense of things, or perhaps you would like to make changes in your own life. Please reach out to me.